There were a bunch of kings hanging around at that time.

These guys:

• Amraphel, king of Shinar
• Arioch, king of Ellasar
• Chedorlaomer, king of Elam
• Tidal, king of Goiim

were at war with these guys:

• Bera, king of Sodom
• Birsha, king of Gomorrah
• Shinab, king of Admah
• Shemeber, king of Zeboiim
• and the king of Bela.

During one particular battle, the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah tried to run away like sissies, but they were attacked. Their cities were ransacked, and Lot, who was living in Sodom, was kidnapped.

Someone managed to escape and find Abram to tell him Lot had been captured. Abram got an army together and went to go find him. He saved the day, rescuing not only Lot, but everyone and everything else that had been taken. The king of Sodom was really happy about this, so he had the king of Salem, who was also a priest, bless Abram. The king of Sodom tried to give Abram a tenth of all the recovered loot, but Abram wouldn’t take it because he didn’t want the king to be able to say he made Abram rich. Whatever, Abe. Just take your reward.

Original text

Abram, now a very rich man, took his posse and went back to Bethel. He told Lot that between them, they had just too much awesome for one place, so they should split up. Lot went east to the Jordan Valley and Abram settled in Canaan.

And here is a handy map charting Abram’s journeys so far:

Original text

God told Abram that if he left home and went to a place God would show him, he would make Abram super special and bless him and stuff. So seventy-five-year-old Abram took his nephew, Lot, and Sarai and all their servants and hit the road. When they got to Canaan, God told him all this land would belong to him one day. So Abram built an altar and, I don’t know, sacrificed a sheep probably. Then they all headed to Bethel and built another altar.

There was a famine going on at the time, so Abram and Sarai went to Egypt. Before they entered Egypt, Abram said, “Sarai, you’re pretty hot, and if the Egyptians know you’re my wife, they’ll probably kill me so they can keep you. Let’s say you’re my sister instead. If you’re good, the Pharaoh will be nice to me.” So that’s what they did, and the Pharaoh took Sarai into his harem or whatever. I guess she was pretty good in bed because the Pharaoh gave Abram all kinds of goodies: sheep, oxen, donkeys, servants, camels – you name it.

Then God found out the Pharaoh was banging a blessed man’s wife and got pissed. He cursed the Pharaoh with plagues, and the Pharaoh went to Abram and said, “Dude, why didn’t you tell me she was your wife? This sucks.” He gave Sarai back to Abram, and she and Abram left Egypt with all their new stuff.

Sarai and Abram leave Egypt

Original text

Everyone on Earth spoke the same language back then. Some people in Shinar decided to celebrate being human by building a city with a big tower. God didn’t want people building shit unless it was to honor him, and to keep them from doing such a thing ever again, he “confused their language” and spread them out all over the planet. After that, the tower was called Babel.

Two years after the flood, when Shem was 100, he fathered Arpachshad. He lived another 500 years and then he died.

When Arpachshad was 35, he fathered Shelah. He lived another 403 years and then he died.

When Shelah was 30, he fathered Eber. He lived another 403 years and then he died.

When Eber was 34, he fathered Peleg. He lived another 430 years and then he died.

When Peleg was 30, he fathered Reu. He lived another 209 years and then he died.

When Reu was 32, he fathered Seruf. He lived another 207 years and then he died.

When Seruf was 30, he fathered Nahor. He lived another 200 years and then he died.

When Nahor was 29, he fathered Terah. He lived another 119 years and then he died.

When Terah was 70, he fathered Abram, Nahor and Haran.

Haran fathered Lot and Milcah, and later died in Ur of the Chaldeans.

Nahor married his neice, Milcah, and had two kids, Milcah and Iscah.

Abram married Sarai, but she was barren.

Terah took Abram, Sarai and Lot from Ur to Canaan, and they settled in the land of Haran.

I think they were starting to run out of names.

Original text

Japheth had a bunch of sons: Gomer, Magog, Madai, Javan, Tubal, Meshech and Tiras.

• Gomer’s sons: Ashkenaz, Riphath and Togarmah
• Javan’s sons: Elishah, Tarshish, Kittim and Dodanim
• The Japhethites spread out along the coast.

Ham’s sons: Cush, Egypt, Put and Canaan.

• Cush’s sons: Seba, Havilah, Sabtah, Raamah and Sabteca
• Cush also fathered Nimrod, “the first on earth to be a mighty man.” Nimrod was a mighty hunter who built his kingdom in Shinar and Assyria.
• Raamah’s sons: Sheba and Dedan
• Egypt’s sons: Ludim, Anamim, Lehabim, Naphtuhim, Pathrusim, Casluhim and Caphtorim.
• Canaan’s sons: Sidon and Heth. Also, the Jebusites, the Amorites, the Girgashites, the Hivites, the Arkites, the Sinites, the Arvadites, the Zemarites and the Hamathites.
• The Canaanites spread out from Sidan to Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah and Zeboiim.

Shem’s sons: Elam, Asshur, Arpachshad, Lud and Aram.

• Aram’s sons: Uz, Hul, Gether and Mash.
• Arpachshad’s son: Shelah
• Shelah’s son: Eber
• Eber’s sons: Peleg and Joktan
• Joktan’s sons: Almodad, Sheleph, Hazarmaveth, Jerah, Hadoram, Uzal, Diklah, Obal, Abimael, Sheba, Ophir, Havilah and Jobab
• Shem’s descendants went to live in the hills.

Original text

God told Noah and his sons that they had free reign over the planet and that they could eat any animal they wanted as long as said animal was dead and cooked. He also told them not to kill each other.

“Now get out there and multiply!” God said. “And really, I meant it about the never-trying-to-kill-mankind-again thing, I promise.”

Noah planted himself a vineyard. One night, he had a little too much wine and passed out naked in his tent. One of his sons, Ham (father of Canaan), walked in on him. He went outside to where his brothers were hanging out.

“Shem, Japheth,” he said. “Dad is totally naked in there, you guys.”

Disgusted, Shem and Japheth got a blanket and walked backward into the tent, covering Noah without ever seeing his nakedness. When Noah woke up and found out Ham had seen him, he freaked out and cursed him and his descendants to be servants to his brothers and their descendants.

What a bunch of prudes.

Noah lived to be 950 years old and then he died.

Original text

God forgot about Noah for a while, but he finally remembered and made it stop raining. On the 17^th day of the seventh month, the ark came to rest on top of the mountains in Ararat. But it wasn’t until the first day of the tenth month that the tops of the mountains were seen. The Bible is very specific about these dates.

Forty days after that, Noah sent a raven out the window of the ark and then a dove, but they returned to the ark because there was no land to land on. He tried again a week later, and the dove came back with an olive leaf. Seven days after that, he sent the dove out again. This time, she didn’t come back.

On the first day of the first month of Noah’s 601^st year, the flood was gone. By the 27^th day of the second month, the Earth had dried. God told Noah he could get off the boat and to go ahead and get busy repopulating the Earth.

Even though animals were in short supply after God’s tantrum, Noah took a couple of each species and burned them in an offering to God. God was pleased and he promised to never again try to wipe out every living thing on the planet. Thanks, God.

Original text

God decided one pair of each animal wasn’t enough so he told Noah he’d better bring seven pairs of each. A week later, God brought the rain. Noah was 600 years old at the time, but still spry enough to captain a boatload of animals, I guess.

The Bible is very specific and wants you to know the flood came during the 17^th day of the second month of Noah’s 600^th year. The flood went on for forty days while Noah and his ship floated around aimlessly. The waters were so high that even the mountains were covered. Everything that was not on that boat died. The waters stuck around for 150 days.

Original text

The Bible would like you to know that at this time, there were still giants roaming the Earth. Also that men found women attractive. I don’t know why this is important. Where did the giants go?

God was starting to get bored with his toys, so he decided to shorten humans’ lives to 120 years. But then he was still bored and also disgusted with the evil hearts of mankind, so he thought he’d drown everyone and wipe the slate clean. He was all set to do just that when he noticed Noah and thought he seemed like a nice enough fellow.

God wanted Noah to live, so he told the guy to build a great big boat. When the boat was finished, God told him to put on board his wife, sons and daughters-in-law, and also a male and female from each species of animal he could get his hands on. Eager to, you know, NOT die in a flood, Noah did as he was told.

Original text

When Adam was 130, he fathered Seth. He lived another 800 years and then he died.

When Seth was 105, he fathered Enosh. He lived another 807 years and then he died.

When Enosh was 90, he fathered Kenan. He lived another 815 years and then he died.

When Kenan was 70, he fathered Mahalalel. He lived another 840 years and then he died.

When Mahalalel was 65, he fathered Jared. He lived another 830 years and then he died.

When Jared was 162, he fathered Enoch. He lived another 800 years and then he died.

When Enoch was 65, he fathered Methuselah. He lived another 300 years, and then God abducted him.

When Methuselah was 187, he fathered Lamech. He lived another 782 years and then he died.

When Lamech was 182, he fathered Noah. He lived another 595 years and then he died.

When Noah was 500, he fathered Shem, Ham and Japheth.

Original text