Jacob continued on his journey until he came to the “land of the people of the east.” He saw some guys with their flocks out in a field and went to say hello. He asked them if they knew Laban. They said, “Yeah, he’s a good guy. Look, here comes his daughter, Rachel.” Rachel was a shepherdess and she was coming along with her father’s sheep. Jacob rolled the stone away from the mouth of the well, watered the flock, then kissed Rachel and “wept aloud.” It was love at first sight. Then he told her who he was and she ran home to tell her father. Laban came out to meet him and give him a big hug.

Jacob stayed a month and then Laban said, “If you’re going to be helping out around here, I should pay you. What do you want?” Jacob said, “I’ll work here for free for seven years if you’ll let me marry Rachel at the end of my service.” Laban, who probably would have just given him Rachel if he’d asked, said that sounded pretty good to him.

Jacob’s love for Rachel made the seven years pass quickly, and when his time was up he said, “Okay, hand her over.” Laban threw a party and made a ton of food, but then, I don’t know, I guess he was feeling feisty so he gave Jacob his other daughter, Leah, instead. Jacob must have been totally drunk because he didn’t notice she wasn’t Rachel and he went ahead and had sex with her, sealing the deal. In the morning, he went to Laban and said, “What’s your problem? Why did you do that?” Laban said, “Oh, we don’t let the younger daughters marry before the older daughters in this country.” Jacob said, “I wish you’d told me that seven years ago.” Laban told him to finish the wedding celebrations that week with Leah, and then he could marry Rachel. Of course, he’d have to serve him for free for another seven years, but at least he’d be married to Rachel during that time. So when the celebrations were over a week later, Jacob had sex with Rachel and then got ready to serve his next seven years.

What a jerk Laban turned out to be.

God knew Jacob didn’t really like Leah and he felt bad for her. So he made her fertile and made Rachel barren. Boy, Laban and God sure do make a good team. Leah had a son named Reuben, another named Simeon, and another named Levi. And then another named Judah. Each time, she was convinced the son would make her husband love her, but each time she was disappointed. After Judah, she stopped getting pregnant.

Original text

Isaac called Jacob to him and said, “Okay, you tricked me. Good job. Now listen. Don’t you dare marry one of those dirty Canaanite women. Marry one of your cousins, one of Laban’s girls.” He blessed Jacob again and sent him on his way. Esau heard this and was a little upset because both his wives were Canaanites. So he went to his uncle Ishmael and asked for one of his daughters to marry. Ishmael gave him Mahalath.

Jacob left for Haran, but eventually had to stop and rest for the night. He used a rock as a pillow and had a dream about a ladder stretching into Heaven. Angels were going up and down and God stood over it and said, “Hey, Jacob. I’m a friend of your grandfather’s. I’m going to give you this land and make sure your offspring are plentiful. I know I promised the same thing to your father and to your grandfather, but I’m really going to try to get it done this time, I promise.”

When Jacob woke up and realized he was in a holy place, he took his rockpillow and poured oil on top of it and called the place Bethel.

Original text

Isaac was getting pretty old, so he called Esau to him and said, “I’m going to die soon. Go kill some of my favorite stuff to eat and then come back so I can bless you before I die.” Rebekah heard this and since Jacob was her favorite, she told him to go get a couple goats for her to make Isaac some food. Then you bring it to him and get his blessing.” Jacob said, “I know Dad’s blind and everything, but Esau’s all hairy. He’ll know it’s me in there and not Esau.” Rebekah said, “Yeah, do it anyway. We’ll think of something.”

So Jacob dressed up in Esau’s clothes and Rebekah put goat skins on his hands and neck. He went to Isaac and gave him his food, and Isaac said, “Are you really Esau? You got this food awfully fast.” Jacob said, “I really am Esau, I swear.” Isaac asked him to come closer because he thought it sounded like Jacob. But then he felt the goat skins and thought they were Esau’s hairy hands. So Isaac was effectively fooled and Jacob received Esau’s blessing. Poor Esau. Can you imagine being as hairy as a goat?

Esau finally came in from hunting and cooked up a meal. He brought the food to Isaac and said, “Okay, I’m ready for my blessing.” Isaac figured out Jacob must have tricked him and he said, “Sorry, Esau. I’m fresh out of blessings. I already told Jacob you’re to serve him from now on.” Esau was pissed and he vowed to kill Jacob as soon as Isaac was dead. Rebekah heard this and she sent Jacob to go live with her brother, Laban, until Esau forgot about hating him. “Just don’t marry one of those damned Hittite women,” she said. “I hate those bitches.”

Original text

There was a famine in the land, so Isaac went to Gerar. God came down and said, “Don’t go to Egypt. I’ll tell you where to live. All these lands will belong to you and your many, many offspring. I liked your dad, so I’m keeping my promises to him.”

So Isaac settled in Gerar, and he and Rebekah did the sister-wife thing that worked out so well for Abraham and Sarah all the time. But the Philistines saw them laughing together and figured brothers and sisters never laugh together, so Isaac and Rebekah must be husband and wife. King Abimelech said, “Why would you say she was your sister? One of us could have raped her thinking it was all good because she’s just your sister, but then we would have felt totally guilty because she’s really your wife. Why do you people always try to do this to us?” Then he told all his people to just leave Isaac and Rebekah alone.

Isaac became rich in Gerar and all the Philistines envied him. King Abimelech finally told Isaac to get out of town because he was so much mightier than everyone else. So Isaac took his toys and went to the Valley of Gerar. There, he dug the same wells his father had dug which had now been filled with dirt. When one of them struck water, the people of Gerar claimed it for their own. So Isaac dug another well, and again the people fought him over it. They didn’t care about his third well, so he decided that one was his favorite.

After a while, Isaac took the family up to Beersheba. God came down and said, “Hey, Isaac. Just wanted to remind you that I’m here and I blessed your father and I’m going to bless you and all your offspring.” Isaac said, “Shoot, I haven’t built an altar to you in a while. Sorry about that.” He built an altar, pitched a tent and called it home.

King Abimelech took his adviser, Ahuzzath, and his army commander, Phicol, and they all went to see Isaac. Isaac said, “Uh, hi, I thought you hated me. What do you want?” They said, “Well, it’s like this. We know you’ve been blessed by God, so we wanted to make sure we could be friends. You know, you don’t kill us in exchange for us sucking up to you? What do you say?” Isaac said that was just fine and they all had a feast that night.

When Esau was forty, he married a woman named Judith and apparently also a woman named Basemath. They were both Hittite women, and this upset Isaac and Rebekah. We don’t like the Hittites.

Original text

Abraham was feeling pretty lonely, so he married a woman named Keturah. She had a ton of kids: Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah.

Jokshan had a couple kids named Sheba and Dedan. Dedan had Asshurim, Letushim and Leummim. Midian had Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and Eldaah. Isaac was still Abraham’s favorite.

Abraham died when he was 175 years old. Isaac and Ishmael got together and buried their father next to Sarah.

Ishmael went and had a bunch of kids: Nebaioth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, Mishma, Dumah, Massa, Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. Ishmael’s twelve children spread out from Havilah to Shur, toward Assyria, and became leaders of their own tribes. Ishmael lived to be 137 years old.

Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah, and he prayed to God to give him some kids because Rebekah was barren. God said, “Sure,” and gave Rebekah twins. The fetuses apparently hated each other right off the bat, because they squirmed around and struggled in Rebekah’s belly. She asked God what he’d done to her, and he said her children would each be leaders of their own opposing nations. He said one kid would be stronger than the other (duh, God) and that the older would serve the younger.

Isaac was sixty when the kids were born. Esau was first, and Jacob came along holding onto Esau’s heel. Esau grew up to be a pretty good hunter while Jacob preferred to stay inside his tent. Isaac loved his manly son, but Rebekah loved Jacob best.

Jacob was making some stew one day when Esau came in from the field. He said, “Hey, man, give me some of that stew, I’m dying over here.” Jacob said, “I’ll give you some stew…if you sell me your birthright.” Esau said, “Whatever, take it, just give me some stew!” Well, that was stupid. The name Jacob means “he cheats,” so Esau should have probably been waiting for something like this, but I get the feeling he wasn’t too bright.

Original text

Abraham was getting pretty old and he knew he was going to die soon. He told one of his servants to make sure Isaac didn’t marry one of those dirty Canaanite chicks, but to go to his home country and find a wife for him. On no account should Isaac go with him. The servant asked how he was going to make some woman follow him all the way back to Isaac, and Abraham said something about God making him promise not to let Isaac go back there. Thanks for your help, Abe.

So the servant traveled to Nahor. When he got to the well outside the city, he let his camels drink so he could watch the women coming out to get water. A young woman named Rebekah who just happened to be the granddaughter of Abraham’s brother, Nahor, offered the servant some water. He had just been thinking that he was thirsty, so he took this as a sign from God that this girl was the right one. He asked Rebekah if there was room in her father’s house for him to stay the night.

Rebekah’s brother, Laban, let the man in. The servant introduced himself and explained why he was there. Bethuel, Rebekah’s father, said, “Yeah, go ahead and take her.” Rebekah sighed and said, “Yeah, okay.” And off they went. As soon as they got back to Negeb, Isaac took Rebekah to his tent and sexed her up right and proper. And in this way, “Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.” How nice for him.

Original text

Sarah died when she was 127 years old. Abraham went to the Hittites and asked for a place to bury her. The Hittites said, “Sure, pick whatever tomb you want. No  charge for any friend of God’s.” But Abraham insisted on paying anyway.

Original text

God hadn’t acted like a jerk for a while, so one day he told Abraham to take Isaac into the mountains and set him on fire. Abraham said, “Sure thing, God.” He and Isaac set out with a donkey and a couple of servants, and on the third day Abraham was feeling pretty confident that the place to do it was just around the bend. He told his servants to wait with the donkey, and he and Isaac kept walking. Isaac suddenly realized there was no lamb for the offering, but Abraham said, “Don’t worry, God will provide us with one.”

When they came to the place God told him about, Abraham built the alter and then tied up Isaac and laid him on top of it. He had a knife and was just about to stab Isaac when God said, “Okay, good enough. I see you love me enough to actually kill your son. I’m proud of you, Abe. Take Isaac down from there. Here, kill this ram instead.” Abraham did as he was told and offered up the ram that had suddenly appeared behind him. Isaac didn’t talk to Abraham all the way home.

God brought Abraham news from the old country: his brother, Nahor, had fathered some kids. Their names were Uz, Buz, Kemuel, Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph and Bethuel. Nahor had also had a bunch of kids with his concubine, Reumah: Tebah, Gaham, Tahash and Maacah.

Original text

Sarah finally gave birth to that son God told her about. His name was Isaac, and Abraham circumcised him at eight days old, just like God told him to.

Hagar and her son, Ishmael, were still hanging around the household, and Sarah didn’t like the way Ishmael teased Isaac. She went to Abraham and told him to get rid of Hagar and Ishmael. Abraham didn’t like the idea, but God told him to listen to Sarah because Isaac was the important one anyway. So Hagar set out the next morning. She traveled for a while, but pretty soon she ran out of water. Like any good parent, she put her baby under a bush so she wouldn’t have to see him die of thirst, and then she started to cry. God heard this and told Hagar to chin up. When she opened her eyes, she saw a well of water. She gave Ishmael some water, and he grew up being pals with God. He eventually became an expert with the bow and took a wife in Egypt.

Meanwhile, King Abimelech from Gerar asked Abraham to be nice to him now that Abe was living in his kingdom. But then some of Abimelech’s servants came and seized a well Abraham dug. Then, I don’t know, something about seven ewes and making an agreement and therefore the place it happened is called Beersheba.

Original text

Abraham and Sarah decided to take a little trip, so they traveled to Gerar. When they got there, Abraham made Sarah pretend to be his sister again. And again, Sarah was taken by the king. And again, God threatened the king. The king had not actually slept with Sarah yet, so he said, “God, man, the guy said she was his sister. How was I supposed to know? Besides, I haven’t touched her yet.” God said, “Oh, right. Well, that’s because I, the LORD, kept you from touching her. That’s right. Now give her back to her husband or I’ll kill you.”

The next morning, the king went to Abraham and said, “What’s your problem? What did I ever do to you to make you trick me into sleeping with a blessed man’s wife? Jerk.” But Abe said, “Well, I figured if you thought you couldn’t have her that you would kill me and take her anyway. Besides, she really is my sister, and when we got married, it was part of our agreement that she would pretend we’re not married whenever we visit a new place.”

Man, that’s just fucked up.

Original text