God told Moses that he wanted the first born of every Israelite to belong to him. I’m not sure what that entails. Moses reminded the people that it was because of God that they were leaving Egypt and that God hated leaven so nobody should eat any for seven days. Moses took Joseph’s bones with him, which is apparently something Joseph requested at some point. God led them through the wilderness toward the Red Sea by becoming a pillar of clouds in the daytime and a pillar of fire at night.

Before we move on, let’s take a look at this handy map:

The reason God led the Hebrews all over the freaking continent instead of just taking them right up the coast to Canaan was because he was afraid the hostile atmosphere would scare them and they’d turn around and go home. According to the website from which I got this map, the Israelites needed “Hebrew training” before they could handle Canaan.

Original text

God told Moses and Aaron to tell the Israelites to get their lambs ready because there was going to be some sacrificing going down at twilight on the fourteenth. After killing their lambs, the Israelites were to put blood on their doorposts and to eat the meat that night after roasting it on the fire. He made sure to tell Moses to tell them it would taste best with unleavened bread and bitter herbs, and if any of it was left over in the morning, they should burn it. He also said he’d prefer it if they ate it while wearing sandals and belts and holding a staff in one hand. God said the blood on the door was so he’d know not to kill any babies in that house, but I don’t know what the deal is with the sandals and belts. He also wanted them to ask the Egyptians for silver and gold.

But that wasn’t all. God explained that this was to become a tradition called Passover and it would last for seven days. For all seven days, anyone eating leaven would be cut off from Israel. A holy assembly would be held on the first and seventh days, and nobody was allowed to work for the whole week. Then he talked about his hatred for leavened food some more. Moses passed on God’s message and the Israelites did as they were told.

God went and killed the first born child of every Egyptian, and Pharaoh got pissed and told Israel to get out. The Egyptians gave the Israelites all the silver and gold they asked for and told them to hurry up and leave before God killed the rest of them. That’s what they did. All six hundred thousand of them (and that’s not counting women and children) traveled on foot from Rameses to Succoth. When they left, the people of Israel had been in Egypt for 430 years.

To keep them occupied during the journey, God yapped at Moses and Aaron about all the other rules about Passover: Only Israelites could take part in the feast, no foreigners. Slaves could eat it, but only if they’d been bought and circumcised. They couldn’t break the lamb’s bones or take it outside the house. Strangers could take part, but only if they’d been circumcised.

What is God’s obsession with foreskin?

Original text

Before he left, Moses told Pharaoh the firstborn child of every Egyptian was going to die. Pharaoh was still being pretty stubborn (because God was still hardening his heart), so he refused.

Original text

God threatened Pharaoh with locusts, so Pharaoh said Israel could go worship God, but that only the men could go. Well, that was the wrong thing to say. The locusts came and ate all the plants and filled everyone’s houses. Oh, that is so gross. Pharaoh once again cried uncle, but changed his mind as soon as the locusts were gone.

God made the sun disappear for a few days, except in Goshen where the Israelites lived. God made sure to keep Pharaoh’s heart hardened, though, and he still wouldn’t let Israel go. Pharaoh did, however, tell Moses he was going to kill him next time he showed his face.

Original text

For his fifth trick, God killed all the Egyptians’ livestock, but not the livestock that belonged to Israel. Then he made boils break out over every man and beast in Egypt. When Pharaoh still insisted on being a jerk, God made hail fall all over Egypt and kill any animal or slave that hadn’t been brought to shelter. Pharaoh once again said Israel could go, but he changed his mind as soon as it stopped hailing.

For fuck’s sake, God. Stop hardening his heart already. YOU ARE RUINING EGYPT.

Original text

God’s next trick was to make frogs come out of the river and cover Egypt. Pharaoh wasn’t much impressed but he didn’t like those frogs. He told Moses and Aaron that if their god could make the frogs go away, he’d let Israel go. So God took away the frogs, but Pharaoh was totally lying because  he was a jackass.

The third plague was gnats. All over everything. Yuck.

The fourth plague was flies. They covered every man and beast in Egypt, but not in Goshen where the Israelites lived. Pharaoh said they could go ahead and do their sacrificing, but Moses told him a sacrifice wasn’t something they could just do out on the street somewhere. They needed three days to go out into the wilderness to do it right. Pharaoh said fine, as soon as the flies were gone. So God made the flies go away, but of course the Pharaoh was lying.

Original text

God told Moses to go talk to the Pharaoh, even though God planned to harden Pharaoh’s heart so he wouldn’t let them go. Jeez, I feel like we’ve been having this conversation for a month. So Moses and Aaron went and performed the magic tricks God taught them and said all the words God told them to say, but of course the Pharaoh said Israel had to stay put.

God went to Moses and told him to meet the Pharaoh at the Nile the next morning. At God’s command, Moses used his walking stick to turn the water of the Nile into blood. The fish died and the river smelled bad so the Egyptians were screwed. But I guess there were magicians in Egypt who could do the same thing, so Pharaoh was not impressed and he told Moses and Aaron to get lost. That was the first plague of many that God was about to unleash on those rotten Egyptians.

Original text

God told Moses to stop whining, he had a plan. He told Moses to go back to the Israelites and tell them God was going to deliver them from slavery and take them to the land he’d promised Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Moses went and told them, but at this point they were so pissed at him that they didn’t want to hear it. God told Moses to go BACK to the Pharaoh and demand he let the Israelites go. Ugh, there’s an awful lot of back and forth here. Moses agreed but said the Pharaoh wasn’t going to listen to him this time any more than he did last time. God told him to quit his bitching and get on with it.

And now, of course, it’s time for a genealogy. We’ve seen most of this before because the Bible is all about repetition, so feel free to check out the illustration and call it a day.

Reuben’s sons: Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron, Carmi

Simeon’s sons: Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar, Shaul (son of a Canaanite woman)

Levi’s sons: Gershon, Kohath, Merari. Levi lived to be 137.

Gershon’s sons: Libni, Shimei

Kohath’s sons: Amram, Izhar, Hebron, Uzziel. Kohath lived to be 133

Merari’s sons: Mahli, Mushi

Amram married his father’s sister, Jochebed. Jochebed was the mother of Aaron and Moses. Amram lived to be 137.

Izhar’s sons: Korah, Nepheg, Zichri

Uzziel’s sons: Mishael, Elzaphan, Sithri

Aaron married Elisheba, daughter of Amminadab and sister of Nahshon. Elisheba bore Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar, Ithamar.

Sons of Korah: Assir, Elkanah, Abiasaph

Eleazar married someone whose father was named Putiel and had a son, Phinehas.

Original text

After Moses and Aaron got the Israelite elders on board with the plan, they went to the Pharaoh. Pharaoh said, “I don’t know this God you speak of and I refuse to let the Hebrews leave for three days just to kill some sheep in his name. Now go away and let the slaves get back to work.” Then the bastard went to his slave drivers and told them to make things even worse for the Israelites.

The foremen of the Israelites went to the Pharaoh and said, “Look, we can’t work like this.” The Pharaoh said, “You’re all just lazy and that’s why you want three days off to go worship your God.” The foremen went to Moses and Aaron and said, “This is all your fault.” So then Moses started whining to God, asking him why he would do this.

Original text

Moses said, “But Goooood, the Hebrews won’t believe that I actually spoke to you.” So God turned Moses’ walking stick into a snake and then made the skin on his hand turn white. He told him to do those tricks in front of the Hebrews and if they still didn’t believe, he could take some water from the Nile and pour it on the ground and God would turn it into blood.

Moses said, “But Goooood, I don’t have the language skills for this kind of thing. I’m not very smart.” God said, “Hey, I made that brain of yours and I can take it away. Now go do what I tell you and I’ll teach you how to speak correctly.”

Moses said, “But Goooood, I just got married and stuff. Please send someone else.” God said, “Shut up, you whiny brat. Look, take your brother, Aaron. He’ll do all the talking and you’ll do all the magic tricks. Everyone will believe you.”

So Moses went to his father-in-law and said he had to go take care of some things in Egypt. He packed up his wife and kids and left. God told Moses, “Now, when you see the Pharaoh, make sure you do all the magic tricks I taught you. But I’m going to harden his heart and he won’t let the Israelites go. Then I want you to tell him that I’m going to kill his firstborn son if he doesn’t let them go.” Moses said, “Couldn’t you just NOT harden his heart in the first place?” and God told him to shut up and do as he was told.

Moses stopped at a lodging place on the way to Egypt, and God came along and tried to kill him (God, Moses can’t do your bidding if he’s dead). Zipporah, clever girl she was, quickly circumcised her son and touched Moses’ feet with the foreskin (ew) and said, “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me!” God stopped trying to kill Moses after that. What the hell?

God went and told Aaron to meet Moses at his mountain and told him all the right things to say. Then Moses and Aaron went and put on their magic show for the elders of Israel. They totally bought it.

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