Author Archive

• Wednesday, March 06th, 2013

22. More rules about lepers and discharge and uncleanliness. Foreigners and commoners aren’t allowed to eat holy things, but the slaves of priests can. I can’t possibly read any more of this.

23. Don’t work on the Sabbath.
Have Passover on the fourteenth day of the first month. Start the Feast of Unleavened Bread the next day.
Something about bringing fruit to your priest.
Blah blah, feasts. I give up. My brain is turning to jelly.

24. Blasphemers shall be put to death.
God wants an eye for an eye. If you kill someone, you’ll be stoned to death. Any excuse to stone someone I guess.

25. God told Moses to tell the Israelites that when they got to the promised land, they should plant fields and sow and harvest for six years, but in the seventh year they should do nothing.
After fifty years in the awesome promised land, there shall be a year of jubilee.

leviticus22

26. If you break any of God’s rules, he will visit you with panic, wasting disease and fever. He’ll make sure your enemies rule over you and basically your life will suck.

27. Something about what each person and animal is worth in terms of shekels and gerahs. I don’t get it and I’m ready to move on.

Original text: 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27

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• Thursday, December 27th, 2012

Laws for priests:

  • Nobody may sit with a dead body except the very closest family members.
  • Don’t marry a prostitute.
  • If a priest’s daughter becomes a whore, she’ll be burned to death.
  • The head priest cannot let his hair hang loose and cannot tear his clothes, and he may not sit with a dead body no matter how close a relative he is. Whoever he marries must be a virgin.

Aaron’s offspring are not allowed to talk to God if they have any one of the following:

  • A blemish
  • Blindness
  • Lameness
  • A mutilated face
  • A limb that is too long
  • An injured foot or hand
  • A hunchback
  • Dwarfism
  • Bad eyesight
  • A rash
  • Scabs
  • Crushed testicles

leviticus21

Original text

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• Saturday, October 20th, 2012

If someone sacrifices his child to Molech, stone him to death.
If you go to mediums or necromancers, you’ll be cut off from your people.
If you curse your mother or father, you’ll be put to death.
If you cheat on your wife with the neighbor’s wife, you’ll both be put to death.
If you sleep with your father’s wife, you’ll be put to death.
If you sleep with your daughter-in-law, you’ll be put to death.
If you sleep with a man, you’ll be put to death.
If you sleep with a woman and her mother, you’ll be burned to death.
If you sleep with an animal, you’ll be put to death and the animal killed.
If you sleep with your sister, you shall be cut off.
If you sleep with a woman on her period, you’ll both be cut off.
Don’t sleep with your aunts or your brothers’ wives.
The Canaanites did all these things and God hated them.

I believe this song pretty well sums it up.

Original text

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• Monday, October 08th, 2012

The chapter of ridiculous laws:

  • Don’t lie or steal. Don’t curse the deaf or trip the blind. Don’t lie about your neighbors. Don’t bear grudges.
  • Don’t let your cattle breed with other kinds of cattle, don’t sow your fields with two kinds of seed, and don’t wear a garment made from two different materials.
  • If a man has sex with another man’s female slave, he needs give God a guilt offering.
  • If you plant a tree for food, you can’t eat its fruit for four years.
  • Don’t eat any raw meat. Don’t be a fortune teller. Don’t cut your hair or trim your beard. Don’t cut yourself or get tattoos.
  • Don’t make your daughter be a prostitute.
  • Don’t go see any fortune tellers.
  • Honor your elders and fear your god.
  • Be nice to foreigners.
• Saturday, May 26th, 2012

The chapter the homophobes keep clinging to:

Don’t look at any of your relatives naked. Don’t look at a woman naked while she’s on her period. Don’t have sex with your neighbor’s wife. Don’t offer any of your children to Molech, whoever he is. Don’t have sex with another man. Don’t have sex with an animal.

Original text

• Saturday, May 12th, 2012

If you kill an animal but don’t bring it to the church to be sacrificed, you’ll be cut off from your people.
The same goes for anyone who eats blood. (I’m guessing we’re talking about raw food and not vampires.)

Original text

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• Tuesday, April 24th, 2012

Day of Atonement:
Aaron’s sons died, and God told Moses to tell Aaron not to go to the “Holy Place inside the veil, before the mercy seat that is on the ark” (what?). God was planning to hang out in the church tent I guess and Aaron would surely die unless he came inside in this specific way: wearing a holy linen coat with linen underwear, a linen sash, a linen turban, and bringing with him a bull, two rams and two goats. Blah blah blah, kill the animals, throw some blood around, do this once a year to atone for all of Israel’s uncleanness.

Original text

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• Saturday, April 14th, 2012

Bodily discharges:

If a man has any kind of bodily discharge, he and everything he touches is unclean. Anyone who touches anything the dirty man has touched needs to wash their clothes and take a bath and they’ll only be unclean until the evening. When the discharge clears up, the man will wait seven days and then wash his clothes and take a bath, and then offer some sacrifices to God.

If a man has an emission of semen, he needs to take a bath and also wash anything the semen touches. If he’s with a woman and it happens, they both need to bathe.

If a woman is on her period, she will be in her “menstrual impurity” for seven days. Anything she touches during that time becomes unclean. And if she has sex with a man and he gets blood on him, he’ll be unclean for seven days.

Original text

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• Friday, April 06th, 2012

13. Leprosy:
Suspected lepers must be brought to a priest for examination. If it is indeed leprosy, he shall be pronounced unclean. If not, the priest will shut up the patient for seven days and examine him again after that time. If he’s still not a leper, the priest will shut him up for another week. He’ll be pronounced clean after that.
Lepers are required to wear torn clothes and have long hair. They have to live alone outside the camp and walk around with mustaches and cry out, “Unclean, unclean.” Dude, that sucks.

14. Cleansing lepers:
A priest will bring the leper two birds, cedarwood, scarlet yarn and hyssop. The leper will kill one bird and then dip the other bird in the blood of the dead one. The priest will sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times and then pronounce him clean. The leper will wash all his clothes, shave off all his hair and then take a bath. He can come into camp after that, but he’ll have to live outside his tent for a week. On the seventh day, he has to shave, wash his clothes and bathe again. On the eighth day, the former leper should sacrifice a few sheep. The priest will put some blood on the leper’s ear, thumb and big toe, and then sprinkle some oil around. I think God is just playing some weird game of Hokey Pokey.

Original text:

13 14

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• Monday, December 12th, 2011

Unclean women:

A woman is unclean for seven days after giving birth to a boy. On the eighth day, the boy will be circumcised, and the mother will spend the next thirty-three days “in the blood of her purifying.” Whatever that means. During that time, she is not allowed to touch anything holy or go to the church.
If she has a daughter, she will be unclean for two weeks and spend sixty-six days in the blood of her purifying. Because, of course, girls are evil.

After her purifying is complete, she will bring a lamb and a pigeon or turtledove to the priest for a sin offering. “Then she shall be clean from the flow of her blood.”

Original text