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• Wednesday, September 28th, 2011

Things you’re allowed to eat:

  • Animals that are cloven-footed and chew cud. If it is only cloven-footed but doesn’t chew cud – or vice-versa – don’t touch it because it’s unclean.
  • Water animals that have fins and scales.

Things you’re not allowed to eat:

  • Eagles, vultures, kites, falcons, ravens, ostriches, nighthawks, seagulls, hawks, owls, storks, herons, hoopoe and bats.
  • Insects other than locusts, crickets and grasshoppers.

Original text

Category: Leviticus  | Tags:  | One Comment
• Wednesday, September 21st, 2011

Two of Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, offered God some “unauthorized” fire. God didn’t like that, so he set them on fire and killed them. Moses got a couple of their cousins, Mishael and Elzaphan, to carry the dead guys out of the tent. Then he told Aaron’s other sons, Eleasar and Ithamar, not to tear their clothes or wear their hair loose or they would die. Then he told them if they left the tent they would die.

Moses told Eleazar and Ithamar to take the grain offering and eat it (unleavened!) beside the altar. Then he got mad at them for not eating a goat or something.

 

Original text

Category: Leviticus  | Tags: ,  | 3 Comments
• Wednesday, September 14th, 2011

8. God told Moses to gather Aaron and his sons and take them all to the church, along with some anointing oil, a bull, two rams and a basket of unleavened bread, and then call the whole congregation to the church. Once that was done, Moses washed Aaron and his sons with water, and then dressed them in their priestly outfits. Then they killed the animals and did as many offerings as they could think of. God told Aaron it would take seven days to ordain him and his sons, and they weren’t allowed to go outside that whole time.

9. After the seven days, God told Aaron to sacrifice a bull and a calf and then tell the people of Israel to sacrifice a goat, a calf and a lamb. Also an ox and a ram. After killing his animals, Aaron and Moses blessed the people, who fell on their faces.

Original text:

8 9

Category: Leviticus  | Tags:  | Leave a Comment
• Wednesday, August 24th, 2011

There are a lot of stupid rules here. If you get bored, you can just skip down to the fun cartoon.

4. Sin Offerings:
If you break one of my commandments, bring an animal to the tent and kill it. Bring some of the blood to the priest, and he’ll dip his finger in it and he’ll sprinkle it on the floor seven times. He’ll put some of the blood on the horns of the altar of incense, and pour out the rest at the base of the altar of burnt offering. He’ll remove the fat and the entrails and the kidneys and the liver, and burn them all. Take the rest outside to the ash heap and burn it.
You’re going to follow this procedure for pretty much all types of unintentional sins.

5. Things you’re not allowed to do:
Hear a public adjuration to testify but refuse to testify
Touch an unclean thing (carcasses of unclean wild animals, livestock or swarming things)
Touch human uncleanness
Utter a rash oath to do evil or good
If you do any of these things, bring me a lamb. If you can’t afford a lamb, two turtledoves or pigeons will do. If you can’t afford that, bring me some flour.
Guilt Offerings: If you’re feeling guilty about something, bring me a ram or its value in silver shekels.

6. If you deceive your neighbor in any way, you’ll pay him back whatever it is plus a fifth of its value. Also, bring me a ram.
And tell Aaron and his sons this is how I want the offerings done: Do burnt offerings on the heart of the altar all night until the morning. Wear your linen garment and put the ashes next to the altar. Then put on something else to take the ashes outside.
For grain offerings: eat whatever you don’t burn for me. All your male descendants can have some. It’s holy stuff.
When a priest is anointed, he’ll give me a tenth of an ephah of fine flour. Make it with oil on a griddle.

7. OMG, more laws about offerings…
This is mostly stuff you already know, but you might not know that you’re not allowed to eat the flesh of a sacrifice if you’re unclean. If you do, you’ll be cut off from your people.
If you eat the fat of any animal or any blood, you’ll be cut off from your people.

Original text:

4 5 6 7

Category: Leviticus  | Tags:  | One Comment
• Friday, August 19th, 2011

1. Burnt Offerings:
God told Moses: Here’s the deal on Burnt Offerings. Tell everyone that animal sacrifices need to come from the herd or the flock. If the offering comes from the herd, it must be a male without blemish. It should be brought to the entrance of the tent. You put your hand on the head of the bull, then kill it, and then Aaron’s sons will throw the blood against the sides of the altar. Then you’ll cut up the animal into pieces and Aaron’s sons will make a fire. Wash the entrails and legs with water, but burn the rest on the fire. I like the smell. If you bring me a goat or sheep, you’ll do the exact same thing.
You may also bring me turtledoves or pigeons. The priest will bring it to the altar, rip its head off and burn it. The blood will be drained out the side of the altar. Remove the feathers and throw them in with the ashes beside the altar. Tear it open by its wings and burn it. I like the smell.

2. Grain Offerings:
Fine flour only. Put oil and frankincense on it and bring it to Aaron’s sons. You’ll take a handful of it and burn it because I like the way it smells, but Aaron and his sons are going to eat the rest.
If you decide to make me some bread, make sure that stuff is unleavened and made of fine flour and covered in oil. Also if it’s cooked on a griddle. You know what, no matter what form you make it, just make sure it’s fine flour and covered in oil. And don’t forget to burn it because I like the smell. Oh, and make sure you put salt on everything, too.

3. Peace Offerings:
If you’re bringing me a peace offering, kill your bull at the entrance to the tent and have Aaron’s sons throw the blood on the side of the altar. I don’t care what you do with the rest of it, but I want the entrails and all their fat, the kidneys with all their fat and the liver. Have Aaron’s sons burn it because I like the smell. But if you bring me a lamb, then I want the tail as well.
Remember, you’re not allowed to eat fat or blood. It’s all mine, nom nom nom.

Original Text:

1 2 3

Category: Leviticus  | Tags:  | 4 Comments
• Wednesday, May 18th, 2011

Moses gathered everyone together and said, “God wants you to make him a church. Hop to it.” So they all gathered up as much of the required materials as they could get their hands on and brought it to Moses, who put a couple of guys named Bezalel and Oholiab in charge. They made the tabernacle, the ark and all the other crap God wanted.

God told Moses how he wanted his church tent arranged, and Moses got it done. Then God filled the tabernacle with his spirit and a cloud covered the tent. After that, whenever the cloud was on the tent, the Israelites would start walking. When the cloud lifted, they’d stop and make camp.

Original text:

35 36 37 38 39 40

Category: Exodus  | 3 Comments
• Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

God said to Moses, “Since you broke the first tablets, we’ll have to do this all over again. Cut two more tablets and meet me on the mountain in the morning. Come alone.” So Moses went, and God started talking about how loving and forgiving he could be if only the humans would behave themselves. He said, “I hate sinners and I will punish them until they’re dead. Then I’ll punish their children and their grandchildren. I figure by the fourth generation I’ll have probably grown bored.

“So here’s what we’ll do,” he continued. “I’ll get rid of all the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And when you guys get there, you’ll tear down their pillars and altars because I’ve changed my name to Jealous and I don’t want you worshiping any other gods. And let’s just do a quick review since you people are pretty stupid and can’t seem to remember simple rules.” So God repeated all the rules from before, which took another forty days and forty nights during which Moses didn’t have anything to eat or drink.

When Moses came down from the mountain, his face was glowing because he’d been talking to God. He told everyone what God had said, and then he put a veil over his shiny face. From that point on, Moses would remove the veil whenever he chatted with God, and after relaying God’s message to the people he would put it back on again.

Original text

• Wednesday, November 10th, 2010

After all that, God was ready to move on. He told Moses, “Get moving toward that land I promised to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I’ll send an angel before you and drive out all the jerks already living there. I’m not going with you though. I don’t like you all very much and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up killing you if I have to spend another minute with you.” When the people heard this, they got really upset and for some reason took off all their jewelry.

Original text

Category: Exodus  | Tags:  | 3 Comments
• Wednesday, November 03rd, 2010

I went to the rally in Washington, DC on Saturday. It was crazy and crowded and a little stressful, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

I loved all the signs and took pictures whenever I could. (The last one is me, looking terrific after an all-night car ride.)

Category: Uncategorized  | 3 Comments
• Wednesday, November 03rd, 2010

The people went to Aaron and said, “Your stupid brother brought us out here to the desert, then he went up into a mountain and we haven’t seen him since. We need you to make us some gods.” So Aaron gathered up everyone’s gold and made a calf out of it with a graving tool. Everyone suddenly became convinced the cow brought them out of Egypt and they decided to have a feast in its honor. God told Moses he’d better watch out because the Israelites were about to die a fiery and wrathful death, but Moses pleaded with him and said people were going to think he just brought them to the desert to kill them. God didn’t like people to gossip about him, so he decided not to kill anyone that day.

Moses took his tablets of testimony and finally came down from the mountain. When he got to camp, he found the people singing to the stupid calf. He threw down the tablets, breaking them, and then destroyed the damn thing. He asked Aaron what he could possibly have been thinking, and Aaron was all, “These people were evil! They demanded a god, so I took their gold and threw it in the fire, and that cow was what came out!”

Moses looked around and saw that the whole camp was in chaos. He announced that everyone who wanted to be on Team God should gather around him, but only the Levites came. Moses told them to take their swords and start killing. So that’s what they did. About three thousand people died, but that wasn’t enough for God. He sent down a plague for good measure and promised this sin would be visited upon them again one day.

Original text