If you kill an animal but don’t bring it to the church to be sacrificed, you’ll be cut off from your people.
The same goes for anyone who eats blood. (I’m guessing we’re talking about raw food and not vampires.)

Original text

Day of Atonement:
Aaron’s sons died, and God told Moses to tell Aaron not to go to the “Holy Place inside the veil, before the mercy seat that is on the ark” (what?). God was planning to hang out in the church tent I guess and Aaron would surely die unless he came inside in this specific way: wearing a holy linen coat with linen underwear, a linen sash, a linen turban, and bringing with him a bull, two rams and two goats. Blah blah blah, kill the animals, throw some blood around, do this once a year to atone for all of Israel’s uncleanness.

Original text

Bodily discharges:

If a man has any kind of bodily discharge, he and everything he touches is unclean. Anyone who touches anything the dirty man has touched needs to wash their clothes and take a bath and they’ll only be unclean until the evening. When the discharge clears up, the man will wait seven days and then wash his clothes and take a bath, and then offer some sacrifices to God.

If a man has an emission of semen, he needs to take a bath and also wash anything the semen touches. If he’s with a woman and it happens, they both need to bathe.

If a woman is on her period, she will be in her “menstrual impurity” for seven days. Anything she touches during that time becomes unclean. And if she has sex with a man and he gets blood on him, he’ll be unclean for seven days.

Original text

13. Leprosy:
Suspected lepers must be brought to a priest for examination. If it is indeed leprosy, he shall be pronounced unclean. If not, the priest will shut up the patient for seven days and examine him again after that time. If he’s still not a leper, the priest will shut him up for another week. He’ll be pronounced clean after that.
Lepers are required to wear torn clothes and have long hair. They have to live alone outside the camp and walk around with mustaches and cry out, “Unclean, unclean.” Dude, that sucks.

14. Cleansing lepers:
A priest will bring the leper two birds, cedarwood, scarlet yarn and hyssop. The leper will kill one bird and then dip the other bird in the blood of the dead one. The priest will sprinkle the blood on the leper seven times and then pronounce him clean. The leper will wash all his clothes, shave off all his hair and then take a bath. He can come into camp after that, but he’ll have to live outside his tent for a week. On the seventh day, he has to shave, wash his clothes and bathe again. On the eighth day, the former leper should sacrifice a few sheep. The priest will put some blood on the leper’s ear, thumb and big toe, and then sprinkle some oil around. I think God is just playing some weird game of Hokey Pokey.

Original text:

13 14

Unclean women:

A woman is unclean for seven days after giving birth to a boy. On the eighth day, the boy will be circumcised, and the mother will spend the next thirty-three days “in the blood of her purifying.” Whatever that means. During that time, she is not allowed to touch anything holy or go to the church.
If she has a daughter, she will be unclean for two weeks and spend sixty-six days in the blood of her purifying. Because, of course, girls are evil.

After her purifying is complete, she will bring a lamb and a pigeon or turtledove to the priest for a sin offering. “Then she shall be clean from the flow of her blood.”

Original text

Things you’re allowed to eat:

• Animals that are cloven-footed and chew cud. If it is only cloven-footed but doesn’t chew cud – or vice-versa – don’t touch it because it’s unclean.
• Water animals that have fins and scales.

Things you’re not allowed to eat:

• Eagles, vultures, kites, falcons, ravens, ostriches, nighthawks, seagulls, hawks, owls, storks, herons, hoopoe and bats.
• Insects other than locusts, crickets and grasshoppers.

Original text

Two of Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, offered God some “unauthorized” fire. God didn’t like that, so he set them on fire and killed them. Moses got a couple of their cousins, Mishael and Elzaphan, to carry the dead guys out of the tent. Then he told Aaron’s other sons, Eleasar and Ithamar, not to tear their clothes or wear their hair loose or they would die. Then he told them if they left the tent they would die.

Moses told Eleazar and Ithamar to take the grain offering and eat it (unleavened!) beside the altar. Then he got mad at them for not eating a goat or something.

Original text

8. God told Moses to gather Aaron and his sons and take them all to the church, along with some anointing oil, a bull, two rams and a basket of unleavened bread, and then call the whole congregation to the church. Once that was done, Moses washed Aaron and his sons with water, and then dressed them in their priestly outfits. Then they killed the animals and did as many offerings as they could think of. God told Aaron it would take seven days to ordain him and his sons, and they weren’t allowed to go outside that whole time.

9. After the seven days, God told Aaron to sacrifice a bull and a calf and then tell the people of Israel to sacrifice a goat, a calf and a lamb. Also an ox and a ram. After killing his animals, Aaron and Moses blessed the people, who fell on their faces.

Original text:

8 9

There are a lot of stupid rules here. If you get bored, you can just skip down to the fun cartoon.

4. Sin Offerings:
If you break one of my commandments, bring an animal to the tent and kill it. Bring some of the blood to the priest, and he’ll dip his finger in it and he’ll sprinkle it on the floor seven times. He’ll put some of the blood on the horns of the altar of incense, and pour out the rest at the base of the altar of burnt offering. He’ll remove the fat and the entrails and the kidneys and the liver, and burn them all. Take the rest outside to the ash heap and burn it.
You’re going to follow this procedure for pretty much all types of unintentional sins.

5. Things you’re not allowed to do:
Hear a public adjuration to testify but refuse to testify
Touch an unclean thing (carcasses of unclean wild animals, livestock or swarming things)
Touch human uncleanness
Utter a rash oath to do evil or good
If you do any of these things, bring me a lamb. If you can’t afford a lamb, two turtledoves or pigeons will do. If you can’t afford that, bring me some flour.
Guilt Offerings: If you’re feeling guilty about something, bring me a ram or its value in silver shekels.

6. If you deceive your neighbor in any way, you’ll pay him back whatever it is plus a fifth of its value. Also, bring me a ram.
And tell Aaron and his sons this is how I want the offerings done: Do burnt offerings on the heart of the altar all night until the morning. Wear your linen garment and put the ashes next to the altar. Then put on something else to take the ashes outside.
For grain offerings: eat whatever you don’t burn for me. All your male descendants can have some. It’s holy stuff.
When a priest is anointed, he’ll give me a tenth of an ephah of fine flour. Make it with oil on a griddle.

7. OMG, more laws about offerings…
This is mostly stuff you already know, but you might not know that you’re not allowed to eat the flesh of a sacrifice if you’re unclean. If you do, you’ll be cut off from your people.
If you eat the fat of any animal or any blood, you’ll be cut off from your people.

Original text:

4 5 6 7

1. Burnt Offerings:
God told Moses: Here’s the deal on Burnt Offerings. Tell everyone that animal sacrifices need to come from the herd or the flock. If the offering comes from the herd, it must be a male without blemish. It should be brought to the entrance of the tent. You put your hand on the head of the bull, then kill it, and then Aaron’s sons will throw the blood against the sides of the altar. Then you’ll cut up the animal into pieces and Aaron’s sons will make a fire. Wash the entrails and legs with water, but burn the rest on the fire. I like the smell. If you bring me a goat or sheep, you’ll do the exact same thing.
You may also bring me turtledoves or pigeons. The priest will bring it to the altar, rip its head off and burn it. The blood will be drained out the side of the altar. Remove the feathers and throw them in with the ashes beside the altar. Tear it open by its wings and burn it. I like the smell.

2. Grain Offerings:
Fine flour only. Put oil and frankincense on it and bring it to Aaron’s sons. You’ll take a handful of it and burn it because I like the way it smells, but Aaron and his sons are going to eat the rest.
If you decide to make me some bread, make sure that stuff is unleavened and made of fine flour and covered in oil. Also if it’s cooked on a griddle. You know what, no matter what form you make it, just make sure it’s fine flour and covered in oil. And don’t forget to burn it because I like the smell. Oh, and make sure you put salt on everything, too.

3. Peace Offerings:
If you’re bringing me a peace offering, kill your bull at the entrance to the tent and have Aaron’s sons throw the blood on the side of the altar. I don’t care what you do with the rest of it, but I want the entrails and all their fat, the kidneys with all their fat and the liver. Have Aaron’s sons burn it because I like the smell. But if you bring me a lamb, then I want the tail as well.
Remember, you’re not allowed to eat fat or blood. It’s all mine, nom nom nom.

Original Text:

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