Two of Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, offered God some “unauthorized” fire. God didn’t like that, so he set them on fire and killed them. Moses got a couple of their cousins, Mishael and Elzaphan, to carry the dead guys out of the tent. Then he told Aaron’s other sons, Eleasar and Ithamar, not to tear their clothes or wear their hair loose or they would die. Then he told them if they left the tent they would die.

Moses told Eleazar and Ithamar to take the grain offering and eat it (unleavened!) beside the altar. Then he got mad at them for not eating a goat or something.

Original text

The people went to Aaron and said, “Your stupid brother brought us out here to the desert, then he went up into a mountain and we haven’t seen him since. We need you to make us some gods.” So Aaron gathered up everyone’s gold and made a calf out of it with a graving tool. Everyone suddenly became convinced the cow brought them out of Egypt and they decided to have a feast in its honor. God told Moses he’d better watch out because the Israelites were about to die a fiery and wrathful death, but Moses pleaded with him and said people were going to think he just brought them to the desert to kill them. God didn’t like people to gossip about him, so he decided not to kill anyone that day.

Moses took his tablets of testimony and finally came down from the mountain. When he got to camp, he found the people singing to the stupid calf. He threw down the tablets, breaking them, and then destroyed the damn thing. He asked Aaron what he could possibly have been thinking, and Aaron was all, “These people were evil! They demanded a god, so I took their gold and threw it in the fire, and that cow was what came out!”

Moses looked around and saw that the whole camp was in chaos. He announced that everyone who wanted to be on Team God should gather around him, but only the Levites came. Moses told them to take their swords and start killing. So that’s what they did. About three thousand people died, but that wasn’t enough for God. He sent down a plague for good measure and promised this sin would be visited upon them again one day.

Original text

Everyone on Earth spoke the same language back then. Some people in Shinar decided to celebrate being human by building a city with a big tower. God didn’t want people building shit unless it was to honor him, and to keep them from doing such a thing ever again, he “confused their language” and spread them out all over the planet. After that, the tower was called Babel.

Two years after the flood, when Shem was 100, he fathered Arpachshad. He lived another 500 years and then he died.

When Arpachshad was 35, he fathered Shelah. He lived another 403 years and then he died.

When Shelah was 30, he fathered Eber. He lived another 403 years and then he died.

When Eber was 34, he fathered Peleg. He lived another 430 years and then he died.

When Peleg was 30, he fathered Reu. He lived another 209 years and then he died.

When Reu was 32, he fathered Seruf. He lived another 207 years and then he died.

When Seruf was 30, he fathered Nahor. He lived another 200 years and then he died.

When Nahor was 29, he fathered Terah. He lived another 119 years and then he died.

When Terah was 70, he fathered Abram, Nahor and Haran.

Haran fathered Lot and Milcah, and later died in Ur of the Chaldeans.

Nahor married his neice, Milcah, and had two kids, Milcah and Iscah.

Abram married Sarai, but she was barren.

Terah took Abram, Sarai and Lot from Ur to Canaan, and they settled in the land of Haran.

I think they were starting to run out of names.

Original text

Adam and Eve had a couple of kids, Cain and Abel. Cain was a farmer and Abel was a shepherd. One day, Cain brought God an offering of fruit. Not to be outdone, Abel brought God the firstborn of his flock of sheep. God, no vegetarian, was way more excited about Abel’s sheep than Cain’s dumb fruit. Cain’s reaction was to kill his brother. And thus sibling rivalry was invented.

God was angry when he found out what Cain did. He told Cain to get out of his sight. Cain started to panic a little and said if he was no longer in God’s favor, people out there in the world would kill him. So God gave Cain a tattoo so everyone would think he was tough and not mess with him. Cain went to live in the land of Nod, where he married some chick and had a son named Enoch. Then he built a city and named it after his son. Enoch had a son named Irad, who had a son named Mehujael, who had a son named Methushael, who had a son named Lamech.

Lamech had two wives, Adah and Zillah. Adah gave birth to Jabal and Jubal. Jabal became the father of “those who dwell in tents and have livestock.” Jubal became the father of “those who play the lyre and pipe.” Zillah gave birth to a boy named Tubal-cain, forger of all instruments of bronze and iron, and a girl named Naamah.

Meanwhile, Adam and Eve decided to give parenting another go since it worked out so well the first time. They had another son named Seth. Seth had a son named Enosh.

Original text

There was a crafty serpent skulking around the garden and he decided to stir up trouble one day. He went to the woman and asked her which trees God said she could eat fruit from. The lady told the serpent that God said she and Adam could eat from any of the trees except the tree of knowledge of good and evil. He told them eating from that one would kill them. The snake said God was a big fat liar who just didn’t want the humans to be as smart as him. So the woman looked at the tree and thought the fruit looked pretty good. She ate some fruit and gave some to Adam, and suddenly they both realized they were naked.

The man and woman hid themselves when they heard God come walking through the garden. God called out to Adam when he couldn’t find him and Adam said he was hiding because he was naked. “Who told you that you were naked?” God said. “Did you eat from that tree after I told you not to?”

“Uh,” Adam stammered. “I…see…” He looked around and saw his wife still hiding in the bushes. He turned back to God and said, “It was her! She made me do it!”

The woman shot Adam a dirty look. “The serpent said it was cool,” she told God.

God was pissed. He cursed the snake to a lifetime of slithering around on his belly and being killed by man. He cursed the woman and told her she would now be under her husband’s rule and that giving birth would be painful. Thanks a lot, lady. Then God told Adam to get the hell out his garden and learn to farm if he wanted to eat. Adam named his wife Eve, “because she was the mother of all living.” Then God gave them some clothes and kicked them out. To make sure they couldn’t come back and eat from the tree of life and live forever, he put a cherubim and a flaming sword outside the garden to keep them out.

God is not messing around when he tells you to stay away from his tree.

Original text