God said to Moses, “Since you broke the first tablets, we’ll have to do this all over again. Cut two more tablets and meet me on the mountain in the morning. Come alone.” So Moses went, and God started talking about how loving and forgiving he could be if only the humans would behave themselves. He said, “I hate sinners and I will punish them until they’re dead. Then I’ll punish their children and their grandchildren. I figure by the fourth generation I’ll have probably grown bored.

“So here’s what we’ll do,” he continued. “I’ll get rid of all the Amorites, Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And when you guys get there, you’ll tear down their pillars and altars because I’ve changed my name to Jealous and I don’t want you worshiping any other gods. And let’s just do a quick review since you people are pretty stupid and can’t seem to remember simple rules.” So God repeated all the rules from before, which took another forty days and forty nights during which Moses didn’t have anything to eat or drink.

When Moses came down from the mountain, his face was glowing because he’d been talking to God. He told everyone what God had said, and then he put a veil over his shiny face. From that point on, Moses would remove the veil whenever he chatted with God, and after relaying God’s message to the people he would put it back on again.

Original text

After all that, God was ready to move on. He told Moses, “Get moving toward that land I promised to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. I’ll send an angel before you and drive out all the jerks already living there. I’m not going with you though. I don’t like you all very much and I’m pretty sure I’ll end up killing you if I have to spend another minute with you.” When the people heard this, they got really upset and for some reason took off all their jewelry.

Original text

Three months after leaving Egypt, the Israelites came to Sinai and set up camp. During one of their daily chats, God told Moses to pass on a message: “Remind them that I rescued them from slavery. If they obey me and be good little Hebrews, they’ll be my favorite people in the whole world.” Then God told Moses to make sure the people washed their clothes because he was coming to see them in three days. Also during those three days, there was to be no sex, I guess; Moses told the men not to touch any women.

On the third day, it was all thundery and cloudy up on top of Mount Sinai, and a loud trumpet blast scared the Israelites. It was also all smoky up there because God had rocketed down to the mountain in his fire boots. Moses gathered everyone together to stand at the foot of the mountain while he climbed up to talk to God. When Moses got to the top, God told him to go back down and come back with Aaron, but to make sure everyone else knew that if they tried to climb the mountain and see God, they would die.

Original text

God told Moses to stop whining, he had a plan. He told Moses to go back to the Israelites and tell them God was going to deliver them from slavery and take them to the land he’d promised Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Moses went and told them, but at this point they were so pissed at him that they didn’t want to hear it. God told Moses to go BACK to the Pharaoh and demand he let the Israelites go. Ugh, there’s an awful lot of back and forth here. Moses agreed but said the Pharaoh wasn’t going to listen to him this time any more than he did last time. God told him to quit his bitching and get on with it.

And now, of course, it’s time for a genealogy. We’ve seen most of this before because the Bible is all about repetition, so feel free to check out the illustration and call it a day.

Reuben’s sons: Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron, Carmi

Simeon’s sons: Jemuel, Jamin, Ohad, Jachin, Zohar, Shaul (son of a Canaanite woman)

Levi’s sons: Gershon, Kohath, Merari. Levi lived to be 137.

Gershon’s sons: Libni, Shimei

Kohath’s sons: Amram, Izhar, Hebron, Uzziel. Kohath lived to be 133

Merari’s sons: Mahli, Mushi

Amram married his father’s sister, Jochebed. Jochebed was the mother of Aaron and Moses. Amram lived to be 137.

Izhar’s sons: Korah, Nepheg, Zichri

Uzziel’s sons: Mishael, Elzaphan, Sithri

Aaron married Elisheba, daughter of Amminadab and sister of Nahshon. Elisheba bore Nadab, Abihu, Eleazar, Ithamar.

Sons of Korah: Assir, Elkanah, Abiasaph

Eleazar married someone whose father was named Putiel and had a son, Phinehas.

Original text

Moses said, “But Goooood, the Hebrews won’t believe that I actually spoke to you.” So God turned Moses’ walking stick into a snake and then made the skin on his hand turn white. He told him to do those tricks in front of the Hebrews and if they still didn’t believe, he could take some water from the Nile and pour it on the ground and God would turn it into blood.

Moses said, “But Goooood, I don’t have the language skills for this kind of thing. I’m not very smart.” God said, “Hey, I made that brain of yours and I can take it away. Now go do what I tell you and I’ll teach you how to speak correctly.”

Moses said, “But Goooood, I just got married and stuff. Please send someone else.” God said, “Shut up, you whiny brat. Look, take your brother, Aaron. He’ll do all the talking and you’ll do all the magic tricks. Everyone will believe you.”

So Moses went to his father-in-law and said he had to go take care of some things in Egypt. He packed up his wife and kids and left. God told Moses, “Now, when you see the Pharaoh, make sure you do all the magic tricks I taught you. But I’m going to harden his heart and he won’t let the Israelites go. Then I want you to tell him that I’m going to kill his firstborn son if he doesn’t let them go.” Moses said, “Couldn’t you just NOT harden his heart in the first place?” and God told him to shut up and do as he was told.

Moses stopped at a lodging place on the way to Egypt, and God came along and tried to kill him (God, Moses can’t do your bidding if he’s dead). Zipporah, clever girl she was, quickly circumcised her son and touched Moses’ feet with the foreskin (ew) and said, “Surely you are a bridegroom of blood to me!” God stopped trying to kill Moses after that. What the hell?

God went and told Aaron to meet Moses at his mountain and told him all the right things to say. Then Moses and Aaron went and put on their magic show for the elders of Israel. They totally bought it.

Original text

Moses started taking care of the flocks for his father-in-law, Jethro, and he led them one day to Horeb, the mountain of God.  A bush spontaneously caught fire and started talking. God introduced himself and told him this was a holy place. He said he felt bad for the Hebrews’ suffering and was planning to do something about it. He told Moses to go back to Egypt and lead the Israelites out because I guess they couldn’t find the way on their own. Moses said, “Um, God, why would the Pharaoh give me the Israelites?” God said, “Don’t worry, I got your back.”

Moses said, “If I tell the Israelites you sent me to them, they’re going to ask me your name. What should I tell them?” God said, “I AM WHO I AM, so tell them I AM sent you. I’m the same God that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob talked to, so go tell them that.” I guess God was feeling snippy that day. He told Moses to talk to the elders of Israel first, and then they should all go talk to the Pharaoh and say God needed them to take a three day journey to make some sacrifices to him. God said, “The king won’t let you go willingly, so I’ll smack him around a little and then he’ll let you go. But before you do, take some gold and silver and stuff from the Egyptians.”

Original text

A Levite woman had a son, but hid him for three months so the Egyptians wouldn’t throw him in the Nile. When she could no longer hide him, she put him in a basket and left him on the river bank. To make it easier for the Egyptians to find him, I guess. The Pharaoh’s daughter came to the river for a bath and saw the kid and figured he must belong to one of the Hebrews. The baby’s sister, who had been lurking nearby, asked the Pharaoh’s daughter if she should go get one of the Hebrew women to nurse the baby for her. Li’l Pharaoh said yes, so Sis went and got her mom and brought her back to the river. Li’l Pharaoh told Mom she would pay her to nurse this baby she’d found. Very sneaky. Li’l Pharaoh named him Moses and raised him as her own, but he always knew he was a Hebrew.

Moses grew up, and one day he saw an Egyptian beating up a Hebrew. He killed the Egyptian and hid the body in the sand. He went back the next day and saw two Hebrews fighting. He told them to break it up and they said, “What are you gonna do? Kill us like you killed that Egyptian yesterday?” When he found out the Pharaoh was looking for him to kill him, Moses fled to Midian and sat down by a well. It wasn’t long before the seven daughters of the priest of Midian came to the well to get some water. Some shepherds came by to give them trouble, but Moses told them to back off and then helped the girls water their flocks.

When the girls got home, their father asked why they were so early. They told him all about the Egyptian who helped them out, and the priest told them to find him and ask him to stay with them. That’s what they did, and the priest gave Moses his daughter, Zipporah. She later gave birth to a son, Gershom.

The king of Egypt eventually died, and the Israelites cried to be rescued from their slavery. God heard their cries and decided to help them out since he’d made a deal with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

Original text

Isaac called Jacob to him and said, “Okay, you tricked me. Good job. Now listen. Don’t you dare marry one of those dirty Canaanite women. Marry one of your cousins, one of Laban’s girls.” He blessed Jacob again and sent him on his way. Esau heard this and was a little upset because both his wives were Canaanites. So he went to his uncle Ishmael and asked for one of his daughters to marry. Ishmael gave him Mahalath.

Jacob left for Haran, but eventually had to stop and rest for the night. He used a rock as a pillow and had a dream about a ladder stretching into Heaven. Angels were going up and down and God stood over it and said, “Hey, Jacob. I’m a friend of your grandfather’s. I’m going to give you this land and make sure your offspring are plentiful. I know I promised the same thing to your father and to your grandfather, but I’m really going to try to get it done this time, I promise.”

When Jacob woke up and realized he was in a holy place, he took his rockpillow and poured oil on top of it and called the place Bethel.

Original text

There was a famine in the land, so Isaac went to Gerar. God came down and said, “Don’t go to Egypt. I’ll tell you where to live. All these lands will belong to you and your many, many offspring. I liked your dad, so I’m keeping my promises to him.”

So Isaac settled in Gerar, and he and Rebekah did the sister-wife thing that worked out so well for Abraham and Sarah all the time. But the Philistines saw them laughing together and figured brothers and sisters never laugh together, so Isaac and Rebekah must be husband and wife. King Abimelech said, “Why would you say she was your sister? One of us could have raped her thinking it was all good because she’s just your sister, but then we would have felt totally guilty because she’s really your wife. Why do you people always try to do this to us?” Then he told all his people to just leave Isaac and Rebekah alone.

Isaac became rich in Gerar and all the Philistines envied him. King Abimelech finally told Isaac to get out of town because he was so much mightier than everyone else. So Isaac took his toys and went to the Valley of Gerar. There, he dug the same wells his father had dug which had now been filled with dirt. When one of them struck water, the people of Gerar claimed it for their own. So Isaac dug another well, and again the people fought him over it. They didn’t care about his third well, so he decided that one was his favorite.

After a while, Isaac took the family up to Beersheba. God came down and said, “Hey, Isaac. Just wanted to remind you that I’m here and I blessed your father and I’m going to bless you and all your offspring.” Isaac said, “Shoot, I haven’t built an altar to you in a while. Sorry about that.” He built an altar, pitched a tent and called it home.

King Abimelech took his adviser, Ahuzzath, and his army commander, Phicol, and they all went to see Isaac. Isaac said, “Uh, hi, I thought you hated me. What do you want?” They said, “Well, it’s like this. We know you’ve been blessed by God, so we wanted to make sure we could be friends. You know, you don’t kill us in exchange for us sucking up to you? What do you say?” Isaac said that was just fine and they all had a feast that night.

When Esau was forty, he married a woman named Judith and apparently also a woman named Basemath. They were both Hittite women, and this upset Isaac and Rebekah. We don’t like the Hittites.

Original text

Abraham was feeling pretty lonely, so he married a woman named Keturah. She had a ton of kids: Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak and Shuah.

Jokshan had a couple kids named Sheba and Dedan. Dedan had Asshurim, Letushim and Leummim. Midian had Ephah, Epher, Hanoch, Abida and Eldaah. Isaac was still Abraham’s favorite.

Abraham died when he was 175 years old. Isaac and Ishmael got together and buried their father next to Sarah.

Ishmael went and had a bunch of kids: Nebaioth, Kedar, Adbeel, Mibsam, Mishma, Dumah, Massa, Hadad, Tema, Jetur, Naphish and Kedemah. Ishmael’s twelve children spread out from Havilah to Shur, toward Assyria, and became leaders of their own tribes. Ishmael lived to be 137 years old.

Isaac was forty years old when he married Rebekah, and he prayed to God to give him some kids because Rebekah was barren. God said, “Sure,” and gave Rebekah twins. The fetuses apparently hated each other right off the bat, because they squirmed around and struggled in Rebekah’s belly. She asked God what he’d done to her, and he said her children would each be leaders of their own opposing nations. He said one kid would be stronger than the other (duh, God) and that the older would serve the younger.

Isaac was sixty when the kids were born. Esau was first, and Jacob came along holding onto Esau’s heel. Esau grew up to be a pretty good hunter while Jacob preferred to stay inside his tent. Isaac loved his manly son, but Rebekah loved Jacob best.

Jacob was making some stew one day when Esau came in from the field. He said, “Hey, man, give me some of that stew, I’m dying over here.” Jacob said, “I’ll give you some stew…if you sell me your birthright.” Esau said, “Whatever, take it, just give me some stew!” Well, that was stupid. The name Jacob means “he cheats,” so Esau should have probably been waiting for something like this, but I get the feeling he wasn’t too bright.

Original text