God talked at Moses for a really long time up on that mountain, telling him all the rules he wanted the Israelites to follow. Here are some highlights:

• You’ll be put to death if you steal a slave and then sell it.
• You’re allowed to kill someone who breaks into your house, but you have to do it at night. If morning comes and the guy is still alive, he has to pay. If he can’t pay, you can sell him. If the stolen animal is found on him, he’ll pay double. Weird desert math.
• If you seduce a virgin and have sex with her, you’d better be prepared to marry her and pay her father her bride-price. If her father won’t give her up, you still gotta pay up.
• You will kill all sorcerers.
• Don’t boil a goat in its mother’s milk.

When he ran out of silly laws to talk about, God told Moses he was going to send an angel to lead the Israelites to Canaan and defeat the people who already lived there.

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As soon as Moses got settled, God started rattling off his rules:

1. I am your only God.
2. You will not worship anyone or anything but me. I’m kind of a jealous bastard, so this is important if you want to stay on my good side.
3. Do not use my name in vain.
4. Remember not to work on the Sabbath.
5. Don’t be a jerk to your parents.
6. Don’t kill anyone.
7. Don’t cheat on your spouse.
8. Don’t steal shit.
9. Don’t gossip or spread rumors.
10. Be happy with what you have.

I guess Moses heard all of this, but to everyone else it just looked like thunder and lightning and a smoking mountain. They were a little freaked out.

Original text

A month and a half after leaving Egypt, the Israelites came to the wilderness of Sin, between Elim and Sinai. They all started whining to Moses and Aaron about how hungry they were and how they wished they would have just stayed in Egypt. Moses told them it was God who took them out of Egypt, not him, and the big guy could hear their complaining and was going to give them meat at twilight and bread in the morning.

That night, a bunch of quail came along and covered the camp. The next morning, there was something all over the ground. Moses told them it was bread and everyone should gather as much as they could, but they should not leave any of it leftover until morning. God was testing them, see, but they didn’t know that and they were afraid to eat it all and not have any left the next day. God was pissed that they didn’t trust him, so he made the leftovers grow worms and smell bad.

This went on for five days. On the sixth day, Moses told everyone that God wanted them to gather as much as they could and put aside as much as they wanted because there would be no bread on the ground in the morning. Of course nobody did this because God had just gotten them trained to not leave any leftovers. So when people went out on the seventh morning to find the stuff, God got mad and complained to Moses about people working on the Sabbath.

Incidentally, the stuff was called manna and the Israelites ate it for forty years, until they came to Canaan. But that’s getting ahead of ourselves.

Original text

God told Moses that he wanted the first born of every Israelite to belong to him. I’m not sure what that entails. Moses reminded the people that it was because of God that they were leaving Egypt and that God hated leaven so nobody should eat any for seven days. Moses took Joseph’s bones with him, which is apparently something Joseph requested at some point. God led them through the wilderness toward the Red Sea by becoming a pillar of clouds in the daytime and a pillar of fire at night.

Before we move on, let’s take a look at this handy map:

The reason God led the Hebrews all over the freaking continent instead of just taking them right up the coast to Canaan was because he was afraid the hostile atmosphere would scare them and they’d turn around and go home. According to the website from which I got this map, the Israelites needed “Hebrew training” before they could handle Canaan.

Original text

God told Moses and Aaron to tell the Israelites to get their lambs ready because there was going to be some sacrificing going down at twilight on the fourteenth. After killing their lambs, the Israelites were to put blood on their doorposts and to eat the meat that night after roasting it on the fire. He made sure to tell Moses to tell them it would taste best with unleavened bread and bitter herbs, and if any of it was left over in the morning, they should burn it. He also said he’d prefer it if they ate it while wearing sandals and belts and holding a staff in one hand. God said the blood on the door was so he’d know not to kill any babies in that house, but I don’t know what the deal is with the sandals and belts. He also wanted them to ask the Egyptians for silver and gold.

But that wasn’t all. God explained that this was to become a tradition called Passover and it would last for seven days. For all seven days, anyone eating leaven would be cut off from Israel. A holy assembly would be held on the first and seventh days, and nobody was allowed to work for the whole week. Then he talked about his hatred for leavened food some more. Moses passed on God’s message and the Israelites did as they were told.

God went and killed the first born child of every Egyptian, and Pharaoh got pissed and told Israel to get out. The Egyptians gave the Israelites all the silver and gold they asked for and told them to hurry up and leave before God killed the rest of them. That’s what they did. All six hundred thousand of them (and that’s not counting women and children) traveled on foot from Rameses to Succoth. When they left, the people of Israel had been in Egypt for 430 years.

To keep them occupied during the journey, God yapped at Moses and Aaron about all the other rules about Passover: Only Israelites could take part in the feast, no foreigners. Slaves could eat it, but only if they’d been bought and circumcised. They couldn’t break the lamb’s bones or take it outside the house. Strangers could take part, but only if they’d been circumcised.

What is God’s obsession with foreskin?

Original text

When Abram was 99, God came to him and said, “Hey, I’m God.” Abram said, “I know, we’ve been talking for years.” Then he fell on his face. God said he wanted to make a deal. If Abram would change his name to Abraham and make sure every male in the land was circumcised at eight days old, God would make sure he had lots and lots of descendants. Any male who failed to be circumcised would not be allowed to hang out with Abraham.

God told Abraham to call his wife Sarah instead of Sarai. He promised that Sarah would have a son, and this made Abraham fall on his face again. I think Abe’s a little drunk.* He laughed at the absurdity of his ninety-year-old wife giving birth, but God assured him it was so and said the kid’s name would be Isaac.

After God went away, Abraham rounded up thirteen-year-old Ishmael and all the men in his household and they all got circumcised. Sounds like a pretty awkward conversation to have with, say, the farmhand.

“Hey, Bill, I need you to come on into the barn for a minute.”

“Sure, Mr. Abe. Say, what’cha doing with those scissors?”

“Oh, these. Well, see, I had a talk with God this afternoon…”

“Oh, crap.”

*I do know that “he fell on his face” means he knelt down in prayer, but the joke was too easy to pass up.

Original text